Summertime Blues

I've been feeling kind of down lately. Living here with my parents over the summer feels a bit alienating while my brother rough it out on his own in an apartment in the mountains. I feel isolated from my friends and even my peers. I spend what few hours my job lets me work dipping things in hot oil, while being outperformed by coworkers who cannot yet drive after dark. The highlight of my month was seeing Batman Begins with my little brother. Seeing all the college-aged folks at the movies made me wonder where they all hide during the week while I'm staring at the inside of my colorless room with no one to call. I feel insufficient, unsuccessful, and lonely... But at least I don't have to pay rent.

I suppose I make it all sound worse than it probably is. I just miss my friends at Campbell and the independence and since of worth I felt there. There is no Circle K in Holly Springs. No cafeteria of friendly faces and countless peers. I love my family, but I can't help but feel trapped here. My knowledge here is worthless and I feel ignorant and unequiped. I miss when study and classes were a job I could perform it well and there were many people under the same demands to laugh with and consoled eachother over Oasis smoothes and birthday parties. I miss feeling like part of a legitimate team in a group of caring friends. I feel like I'm accomplishing nothing, and when I sit and try to think of something constructive I could be doing, the only things that come to mind are reading and exercise.

So I've read two books, started a third, and began a regimen of running. I believe running has been a very positive thing for me. Every day around 3:00 I put on jogging pants and run a short circuit down and around my neighbor hood. I've been doing it religiously for about a week now and am looking soon to expand my circuit and run longer distances. I was actually most inspired to start this regimen by a friend of mine whose every other away message had to do with how or when she was running. Since I've started, my little brother (much more athletic than I) has begun running with me as well. Of course, with his shorter legs he gets more of a workout, so it evens us out in the end, and we huff and puff along side eachother down the sidewalk. I've always hated running, but the fact that I'm do it anyway gives me some since of control over my pre-set surroundings. It's a healthy outlet for the feelings of being pent up in my parent's townhouse.

All these negative feelings, after all, are only my feelings. In truth, all this alienation is my own fault; I'm just not good at knowing how to fix it. In fact, I sometimes struggle to think of something useful that I can do well. Certaintly the glance-memory and speed-dexterity needed as a fry cook are not my forte. It is no consolation to hear one of my good friends is practically running a restaurant by himself, though I am overjoyed for him and for the skills he's learning. I just feel like I'm at a dead end sometimes and with no friends around to complain to. The fact is, complaining is cheap. I just want to go to the movies with my buddies every now and then.

Guys, if any of you are reading this, know that I really am fine. This is only a vent to some negative feelings I've been having. I miss you all with my whole heart, and I can't wait to see every last one of you again. I count the days for school to start again, though I never thought I would, to tell you the truth. Many people can't wait for school to end and dread it's begining again. Me? I missed Campbell from the moment I left her campus for the summer. Melodramatic, maybe, but oh well. ^_^d